How to Know When to Leave a Relationship
Have you been thinking about or worrying about your current relationship? Have things been weird or rocky for a while? Are you asking yourself: “Do I stay? Or do I get out now?” I totally get it. I’ve been in that place. Something in your gut is telling you that things aren’t right, but the thought of leaving feels unknown, scary, and daunting.
How do you know if you should just hang in there for a while longer? Maybe things will change and get better. Maybe they’ll change and finally become the person I know they can be—the person they were when we first met.
I’m here to tell you that that simply isn’t true. Our gut instincts are not lying to us. The “gut” or stomach is evolutionarily our original brain or thought center. That’s why we all say the phrase “gut feeling.” That discomfort in our guts is sending us vital information! That gut feeling isn’t lying to you!
We can’t date or be married to an ideal.
We have to truly see the fullness of who our partner is - the good, the bad, and the ugly - and ask ourselves: “Do I still choose them?”.
So many of us stay in relationships for too long, hoping that our partner will change into our ideal future version. This rarely happens. While it’s possible, it takes so much commitment, work, effort, and intentionality for a person to change. Have you shared your concerns with your partner? Have they expressed a genuine willingness to work on these concerns?
If you feel that something is fundamentally wrong in your relationship, it’s probably true. As a Llicensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I feel obliged to say that it is always worth considering couples counseling prior to making a decision about breaking up; however, I would advise doing so sooner rather than later.
Don’t wait until you’re mentally and emotionally checked out.
I recommend pursuing couples counseling as soon as your gut or intuition tells you that something isn’t right.
That said, if you feel like your relationship is destructive to your well-being, mentally/physically/emotionally/financially abusive, or controlling, it may be worth looking inward and doing a serious assessment about whether any of the benefits of being with this person are worth the destructive costs.
Here are some questions to ask yourself, reflect on, and/or journal about to assess whether you should stay in the relationship or leave:
When I think about this person, am around them, or interact with them via text or phone - How do I feel about myself?
Do I feel respected in this relationship?
Does this person treat me like I and the relationship are a priority in their lives?
Do I respect this person? Do I admire them? Do they have attributes or character traits that I would like to adopt? (We all tend to become more like the people we spend the most time with.)
Am I attracted to who this person is showing me they are? Or am I attracted to an ideal version of them that I’ve created in my mind?
Do I admire their character and values?
Does being in a relationship with this person make me a better or worse version of myself?
Do I feel comfortable being my most authentic Self with this person?
Does this person criticize, belittle, or try to control me? Does this person isolate me from others that I love?
If nothing were to change, could I see myself with this person in five, ten, or twenty years?
Do I actually like this person like a friend? Or am I just with them because I’m scared of being single and on my own?
I gently encourage you to consider your answers to these questions, because those answers are your gateway to liberation. Whether that be the liberation of working towards a healthier relationship or the liberation of choosing yourself and your well-being by walking away.
Leaving a relationship is hard. It is a loss, and therefore, we must grieve.
But what are the costs of staying?
Is it worth losing yourself and your sense of autonomy and agency?
Is it worth continuing to shrink and shrink and take up less space?
YOU DESERVE TO TAKE UP SPACE.
If you would like to have a safe space to sit and chat with me about your relationship and whether you should stay or go, feel free to schedule a therapy appointment with me! I’d love to process these questions (and more) with you, and help you gain clarity about how to proceed in your relationship!