Am I Selfish?
Ok, so I have some serious thoughts on the concept of selfishness.
As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Kansas City, Missouri, I spend a lot of time talking with people from the Midwest. A common theme I hear is a fear of being perceived as selfish, versus the typical Midwestern politeness and consideration.
In my practice, I love having dialogue with my clients around the concept of Self and what it means to choose oneself over others. I differentiate between (1) Being Selfish, (2) Being Self-Serving, and (3) Being Self-Indulgent.
Am I selfish? Being selfish means doing or saying whatever you want, whenever you want, without any consideration of the impact on others. That, my friends, is truly being selfish.
I don’t tend to consider things objectively “good” or “bad” in a black-and-white way, but operating in the world through a lens of selfishness can lead to inconsideration, impoliteness, and blatant disregard and can damage valuable relationships with friends, family, partners, or even acquaintances.
Being self-serving, on the other hand, means choosing yourself, your physical/mental/emotional health, and your well-being if it truly serves you. Now, this can be hard to do. Sometimes choosing what is in our best interests means that we miss important events like birthday parties, family events, work meetings, or weddings. This can lead to the other person(s) having hurt feelings, resentment, or even anger. However, other peoples’ feelings are their responsibility to tend to and manage. If it is a work obligation or an obligation to a close friend, family member, or partner, we can offer an honest and vulnerable explanation that we are unwell and do not have the bandwidth or capability to show up the way we’d like to at that time. We can offer a sincere apology, acknowledging the impact on them first, but compassionately decline to attend the event or make that phone call or text back.
Being self-serving is ultimately in the best interests of everyone involved. If we are not well or capable of showing up authentically the way we’d like to, then our presence and energy will not serve those we care about.
Furthermore, the energy it takes to show up when we are not well or capable further depletes our mental, emotional, and physical resources, leaving us little left to tend to future matters.
We all need to protect our future selves.
This is a matter of resource management.
If you know you are depleted yet have a busy day, week, or weekend ahead, it is worth choosing to be self-serving in the moment to protect your future. If the relationship is strong, the temporary hurt, disappointment, resentment, or anger of the other person will eventually heal. If the relationship is so fragile that they cannot be understanding or compassionate enough towards us to understand that we are doing what is best for ourselves, then it is worth considering the costs and benefits of draining ourselves to preserve that relationship status quo.
Self-indulgence is the shadow side of self-serving, which is a necessary act of self-preservation and self-care. Self-indulgence means giving in to our every whim and desire. The Rolling Stones sang, “You can’t always get what you want.” And, in fact, that is what being an adult means. It means assessing our wants versus our needs and choosing the most responsible course of action.
Giving into our every whim, want, and desire can ultimately become self-destructive and harmful.
In a perfect world, I’d eat a huge birthday cake for dinner every night, but I doubt that would serve my health and well-being in the long run. Instead, I find foods that I still enjoy but also serve my body with nutrients and vital energy.
Being self-indulgent could look like multiple things.
It could be too many glasses of wine after a stressful day at work.
It could be adopting that extra cat or dog, knowing good and well that we have too many pets already that we can barely care for.
It could be binge-watching our favorite show for fourteen hours, knowing well that we should have stopped after four or five hours.
It could be staying up until 2 a.m. because we feel like it despite having an early morning the next day.
An occasional indulgence is just a treat. No worries about that. Making a pattern of self-indulgence, however, does a disservice to our bodies, minds, and mental health.
If you’d like to explore how these concepts apply to you and your life in particular, I’d love to chat with you! Feel free to schedule a therapy appointment with me, and we can unpack the concept of selfishness and the role it plays in your life and how to be empowered to be self-serving without falling into the trap of self-indulgence. I can’t wait to chat with you!
Edit: After reading this post, I’ve had some readers and clients asking me: Does therapy make us selfish? I thought I would take the time to answer that question. If you’re interested in this topic, go back to the main blog page and check out my latest post, “Does Therapy Make Us Selfish?”. Happy reading!
